We are almost a two months into the new year.  How are you doing? Are you feeling fulfilled?  Are you happy? Are you energetic? Are you keeping to those new year’s resolutions?  Don’t worry if your answer to these are less than an enthusiastic yes.  By this time of the year I’m usually revising my New Year’s resolutions. During these two months, I usually discover that no matter how change-oriented I want to be, it won’t take unless I’m also doing the internal work necessary to make those changes.  

Recognizing this pattern, I was non-plussed about making any resolutions this year. No vows to lose weight, no promises to save money by skipping my coffee and no pressure to push myself past my limits to meet some impossible standards. It just sort of passed me by and I didn’t make resolutions a priority.

It’s not that I don’t have goals and desires for my life or that there aren’t things that I wish were better about my life or myself. It’s that I realized how much more fulfilling it has been to focus on my inner life more than my outer life. I think I had gotten so used to my resolutions reflecting more about my fears of the outer world rather than reinforcing the strengths in my inner world. My past resolutions were based out of fear: fear of what other people think about my body, fear that I haven’t accomplished all that I should have by this time in my life, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment. Fear of me.

And that’s the crux, isn’t it? My resolutions were always fueled by some type of fear of judgment or fear of failure. That fear told me to withhold food from myself or to punish myself if I didn’t go to the gym, or to withdraw from people until I was a better person. All of my wishes—for a thinner body, for a better career, for a healthier home, for material abundance or a satisfying romantic life—these desires were all defined by some dissatisfaction with myself, leaving me feeling guilt, shame and unworthy.

I have simply gotten to a point in my life where fear, shame and guilt don’t motivate me anymore.   

For the past year or so that I’ve been meditating more often I have felt my soul open up in ways I can’t describe or quantify appropriately. It was as if the past year cleared out some of the thunderclouds and emotional flooding so I could see my path, my future, my calling with renewed clarity. For a moment, the yellow brick road was illuminated and glittering with assured possibility. I’ve had to encounter some dark and deep stuff about myself: confronting why I don’t feel deserving. I’ve avoided looking at that part of myself for so long, but gently, inevitably I must confront this and make my peace with it if I ever want to fell truly fulfilled.  

Meditation has a way of illuminating the dark corners of our lives. Not harshly, but tenderly, like a caring companion. And when that companion, that voice of friendship and support comes through in our meditative practice, it’s important to listen because that voice, that guidance is our higher self calling to us. The tenderness and compassion we experience is the beautiful and loving soul of our true self: the self that is free of all the junk acquired in the physical world. We are beautiful and loving. We are worthy and joyous. We are successful and loved. That voice reminds us that we are already these things and if we keep our souls open to it, we can start to push back the layers to reveal our true selves in our everyday lives.

Being authentic and whole in this world is so difficult, especially in recent times. It feels like the world has been pushing back against the most vulnerable of us and to open our hearts, to be seen as we truly are, as the magnificent and beautiful people we really are—well, it feels so risky. But the bigger risk is being stuck in a pattern of fear and lack. In order to achieve that authenticity, we permission to need to strip away all the expectations, beliefs and judgment and just….just be.

So my challenge as we progress through this year is to grow deeper in relationship with myself, to find the wholeness and happiness, success and union within. To just be happy being me and allow all other wishes and dreams to flow through that bright, shiny prism I am discovering within. 

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Bio: Janet is a Colorado native, mother of two, mediator and compassionate attorney who loves laughter, bringing others joy, finding the miraculous in the ordinary corners of life and serving in humanity with dignity and care. She can be found at @SharpSweetBella on Twitter where she geeks out about the intersections of spirituality, sexuality, law, politics and pop culture.